My decisions need more information to be sound. I remember while fostering that some of the kids would begin to act out “for no reason,” and when we finally got to the underlying cause, we would find that some traumatic incident happened about that time and the circumstance, although it had been addressed, still haunted them.
It could be the time of year or a scent or some such thing that set them off. March is the month that both my husband and my mother passed away – one at the beginning and one at the end. Now, I have a friend who was born this month as well as my brother, so I could be thinking on that, but I am attributing my sleeplessness, restlessness and even frustration at the fact that I have experienced great losses this month.
They created major changes in my life, neither of which I welcomed. As I spoke to a friend recently, she informed me that spending time “in the word” has helped her through her difficulties, and, yes, early on I did a lot of that.
Another friend said that there are a lot of women “out there” who have experienced similar situations as I have and I am needed to help them through their times with my empathic approach. I used to be sympathetic, but I grew out of it; sympathy being defined as taking on another’s burdens and working them out for them, while empathy is guiding one to solve their own issues.
Although I am not going in quite a gazillion directions at once, I miss having my sounding board (my husband). His presence in my life meant I didn’t have to make a lot of these decisions. He kept me grounded and I didn’t have these situations in front of me – the yearnings, the pulling or the desire for something else.
Well, I did once want a gazebo in the yard. Our house was small and we couldn’t fit 20-plus people in it for gatherings, so I wanted an outdoor gazebo where we could meet. I asked him where he wanted it and he said he didn’t want one at all.
It was one of two things I insisted on when we were married. I changed my approach to “OK. I’m getting the lumber and we are going to have one. Do you want it over here or over there?”
He caved (thank You, God!)
“I guess over here closer to the house and under that big tree,” he said.
My brother, my grown children and their significants got together, barbecued, measured, cut and swung our hammers and built the deck with the upright posts. My husband came later and he and I put the railings and the roof on it.
It stands today. If I could put it in my pocket and carry it with me, I would.
In the process of filtering through this peanut butter of emotions that clogs me up, I am walking, listening to music, spending time in the word and reading/studying some materials. My perpetually busy days found me in a book that reminded me of the scripture that reads – “Where your treasure is, there will be your heart, also.” (Matthew 6:21)
I always thought of treasure as good things, but the book offered that it is also a focus. Now I discussed that in a previous column about focusing on the good because we have both joy and sorrow that we can address at any given time.
In further readings, I have come across it in another book that makes the similar stance. Go figure! Treasures can be either cursed or blessed!
Epiphanies abound, but I will simply settle this way – “…whatever is true, whatever is worthy of reverence and is honorable and seemly, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely and lovable, whatever is kind and winsome and gracious, if there is any virtue and excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think on and weigh and take account of these things.” (Philippians 4:8)
You’ll excuse me while I go work on that some more.